Please enjoy these absurdly cute photos of Penny on the walk, and this absurd photo of me, giving "who's this lesbian in our neighborhood" vibes.
This morning, as I took my usual walk around the neighborhood with the pup, I started thinking about how we engage with books. You know, the whole “critically engaging” versus “reading for the vibes” debate that’s currently happening on BookTok? And honestly, it’s totally not an either/or situation, you can do both, depending on what you need in the moment.

When I think about critically engaging with a book, I imagine a reader who questions, analyzes, and really digs into the work. It’s about unpacking themes, questioning motives, examining literary devices, and connecting the dots. Critical engagement often involves taking a deliberate, analytical approach—reading with a purpose beyond simply enjoying the story. It’s about understanding deeper meanings, context, and sometimes even challenging the author’s perspectives. Also if I’m honest, the phrase “critically engaged” sometimes feels like a buzzword, but for me, it essentially means to read something with a conscious Mindfulness—questioning what we’re reading and being aware of our responses. It’s not necessarily about finding flaws or disagreeing; it’s about actively participating in an intellectual conversation with the text. I’ll be even more honest, this approach feels intimidating and sometimes seems like it’s only “serious” readers. Wait, I’m a serious reader, I seriously like to read. But do I need to critically engage with everything I read?

And then there’s reading for the vibes—definitely a more relaxed, immersive experience. It’s about soaking in the atmosphere, feeling the emotions, and enjoying the aesthetic or mood the book creates. Sometimes it’s just reading a book because you heard the spice was top notch. What if we just want to read to escape, to feel something intensely without overthinking?

Sometimes I pick up a book just to get lost in it. Other times, I’m in a mood to be challenged by themes, question characters, and dive into the symbolism. And honestly? I do both within the same week. Why limit yourself? Reading isn’t a one-size-fits-all kind of thing.

You don’t have to pick just one approach, despite what booktok says. You aren’t a vapid reader (no one has actually used this term–that I know of) if you only read to escape, you can still escape into diverse and inclusive narratives that teach you things unconsciously. Some days, you want that chill, “just for the feels” read, and other days, you’re craving mental stimulation. Both are valid. There’s no rule that says you have to be “serious” or “not serious”—it’s all about what your brain and heart need in that moment.

Does not analyzing make you less of a reader? Not at all. Just because you’re not dissecting every symbol or questioning every motive doesn’t mean your love for books is any less real. Sometimes, reading for the vibes helps you unwind, inspire, or just let yourself feel everything without overthinking. That’s just as meaningful.

So here’s the real talk — books are what you make of them. Whether you’re analyzing or just soaking in the mood, both ways are legit. Think of it like a playlist for your reading life: some days you want the deep cuts, other days just the feel-good jams. So, stop stressing about what “counts,” and read how you wanna read. Because as I was walking this morning, I realized the best thing we can do is embrace all of it — the critical and the vibey, the thoughtful and the relaxed.

And honestly? That’s what makes reading so endlessly good.

1. Societal Expectations on Traditional Gender Roles vs. Freedom of Expression in a Gender-Expansive, Non-Binary View

Society has long dictated strict gender roles—telling us how men and women should act, dress, and behave. These expectations often limit our ability to genuinely express ourselves, forcing us into narrow boxes that don’t reflect our true identities. In contrast, a gender-expansive and non-binary perspective celebrates the spectrum of gender identities, encouraging us to explore and express ourselves authentically without fear of judgment. Embracing this freedom allows us to live more fully and honestly, beyond the constraints of societal norms.

2. Conservative and Mainstream Views of Sex vs. a Non-Heteronormative Understanding of Sex and Intimacy

Traditional societal views often frame sex within a heteronormative lens—strictly between a man and a woman, often emphasizing reproduction and purity. These narrow ideas ignore the rich diversity of sexual and romantic expressions that exist outside this framework. A non-heteronormative understanding recognizes sex and intimacy as a wide spectrum, including LGBTQ+ experiences and different forms of love and connection. This broader perspective affirms that sexuality is diverse and personal, and embracing it expands our understanding of human relationships.

3. Western Beauty Standards and Religious Conservatism vs. Unlearning Internalized Narratives and Loving Ourselves

Western beauty standards, heavily influenced by religious conservatism, have historically promoted ideals rooted in patriarchy and white supremacy—favoring specific body types, skin tones, and appearances. These standards have imposed unrealistic expectations and fostered body shame, often making us hate or feel insecure about our bodies. Unlearning these internalized narratives involves critically examining where these ideals come from and consciously choosing to love and accept ourselves as we are. Embracing self-love and body positivity allows us to break free from societal and religious conditioning, cultivating confidence and genuine self-respect.

For me - 

1. Navigating Gender Role Expectations as an AFAB Non-Binary Person in the Church

Growing up as a “girl” in the church, I was taught traditional gender roles—taught that my purpose was to be obedient, quiet, modest, and nurturing. When I was young I didn’t exactly know I was non-binary but I certainly knew I wasn’t a woman. I felt completely stuck, caught between who I was and the strict expectations placed on me. This created intense internal conflict and shame, leading to feelings of inadequacy and confusion about my identity. It really affected my mental health—I often felt isolated, anxious, and ashamed of who I wanted to be, of who I was, and I struggled for years to reconcile my identity with the roles I was expected to fulfill.

2. Conservative Views of Sex vs. A Broader Understanding of Intimacy and Queer Identity

In the church I was taught sex was strictly for procreation—penetration was the only thing considered "sex," and kissing or any form of intimacy before marriage was forbidden. I internalized the belief that pleasure and connection outside of this narrow view was wrong or sinful. Oh gods, I was so brainwashed I still wrestle, years after leaving with whether I’m ace/aro or just have such intense religious trauma I’m not capable of intimacy. I, logically, understand sex and intimacy as a complex, beautiful spectrum—built on trust, shared vulnerability, and love. It is so much more than penetration. Unlearning these deeply ingrained beliefs takes time, therapy, and self-compassion, but it allows us to embrace a richer, more authentic understanding of intimacy that honors who we and who we love.

3. Western Beauty Standards and Internalized Fatphobia

Growing up as a “fat” kid, I internalized the message that my body was undesirable and unworthy of love or closeness. These beliefs shaped how I saw myself and impacted my ability to connect intimately. I often felt self-conscious and believed I wasn’t deserving of affection or desire, which kept me distant from sex and true self-acceptance. Over time, through therapy, learning, and embracing body positivity, I began to challenge those internalized standards. Now, I work hard to love and accept my body as it is, realizing that my worth isn’t defined by societal ideals, and that true intimacy begins with self-love and acceptance.

This system of control took years to move past. My turning point came when I started questioning these beliefs and connected with online communities that opened my eyes to a wide variety of human experiences. It connected me to books with representation that helped me to navigate when I didn’t have tools or know where to start. Seeing Delphine, a plus-size character on the cover of Sierra Simone’s The Thornchapel was life-changing. It proved that I could be desirable and loved for who I am.

It took therapy and self-reflection to break free from those internalized beliefs. It took A LOT of therapy, it wasn’t easy or quick but now I’m on the other side, and as a therapist I now get to help others work through this with lived experience and as an example that it’s possible. Here are some of my suggested questions to reflect on:

1. Identify and Challenge Negative Thoughts 

   • What are the common beliefs I hold about my body, gender, or sexuality that come from societal or religious messages? 

   • How do these beliefs affect my feelings and behaviors? 

   • What evidence do I have that supports or contradicts these beliefs?

2. Cognitive Restructuring 

   • What are more balanced, realistic thoughts I can adopt about myself and my body? 

   • How can I reframe my internal narrative to be more compassionate and accepting?

3. Behavioral Experiments 

   • What small steps can I take to challenge societal or internalized beliefs about what my body should look like or how I should behave? 

   • How might trying a new outfit or expressing myself differently help me feel more confident?

4. Exploring Values 

   • What aspects of my authentic self do I want to prioritize and honor? 

   • How does embracing my true identity align with my core values of happiness, freedom, or self-acceptance?

5. Acceptance of Difficult Thoughts and Feelings 

   • What difficult feelings or thoughts come up when I think about my body or gender expression? 

   • How can I practice accepting these feelings without judging myself or trying to force them away?

6. Defusion from Internalized Beliefs 

   • What are the stories I tell myself about who I am and what I am allowed to be? 

   • How can I observe these stories without getting caught up in them, letting them be just thoughts rather than truths?

7. Committed Action 

   • What actions can I take today that align with my authentic self, even if I feel fear or doubt? 

   • How can I commit to living in accordance with my values, regardless of societal pressure?

This post is getting REALLY long but I still want to dive into rethinking gender and sex so I’ll be back this week with more for you.

If you want to pop over into the discord and talk about anything I'm going to be listing these there too, with some more reframes for you.

1. Traditional Gender Roles vs. Gender-Expansive Identity
Society has long dictated strict roles for "men and women", forcing people into boxes that don’t reflect who we truly are. A gender-expansive and non-binary perspective celebrates the full spectrum of identities, encouraging authentic expression without fear of judgment. Embracing this freedom helps us live more honestly and fully.

2. Conservative Views of Sex vs. Broader Understanding of Intimacy
In my upbringing, sex was only for procreation, it was only penetration, only missionary, and only for marriage. Pleasure and intimacy outside those boundaries were wrong or sinful. Now, I know sex as a complex, beautiful spectrum—built on trust, vulnerability, and love. Unlearning those strict beliefs took time, therapy, and self-compassion, but it helped me embrace a more authentic view of who I am and who and how I love.

3. Western Beauty Standards and Internalized Fatphobia
Growing up fat, I internalized messages that I was undesirable and unworthy of love, which affected my self-esteem and ability to connect. Over time, through therapy and body positivity, I challenged those harmful beliefs. Now, I love and accept my body as it is, knowing that true intimacy begins with self-love and worthiness.

My Turning Point
Years of internalized control and shame kept me stuck. But questioning those beliefs and connecting with supportive communities (almost exclusively online) changed everything. Seeing diverse representation—like Delphine on Sierra Simone’s The Thornchapel—was a revelation: I could be desired and loved as I am. It wasn’t quick or easy, but therapy and self-reflection finally helped me break free, and now I live more authentically.

I use affirmation to keep me grounded, to remind me of where I came from and where I want to go. This week we are going to dive deeper into these topics on the paid tier, so if you want to join us over there, we'd love to have you!

I had this pipe dream, almost a year ago, after hearing about another anthology that didn’t center own-voices. I felt a little powerless bc I was just a reader, what could I do. But I had connections and a platform, and influence, small but mighty.

24 hrs later I had Eva in my pocket, and a list of authors I was hopeful would say yes. This anthology was born out of a desire to see intersectional own-voices sapphic stories amplified. I wanted more nonbinary, trans, disabled, fat, masc, butch, stud, chronic illness, neurodivergent, immigrant rep in my sapphic romance. I wanted way more Black and Brown stories featured.

I wanted a reflection of my life, my found family, my community. So I made it happen. But I didn’t want to profit off of the author's work. In fact, I didn’t want to profit. I wanted to ensure that the proceeds from these stories went to support individuals represented in them. The National Queer and Trans Therapists of Color Network was the perfect organization to partner with. All of the proceeds from the anthology will go to QTBIPOC folks getting scholarships for mental health services with service providers that share their identity. 

As a therapist, and someone in therapy, I can speak to the importance of having a therapist who can deeply empathize with your experiences. 

I hope you pre-order this book because you want to see more of what real life looks like, even in fantasy and monster romance we can find parts of ourselves. I hope you pre-order this book because you want to support the most vulnerable individuals in our community. But mostly, I hope you pre-order this book bc it was more than a labor of love, it was a love letter to the underrepresented, the folks in our community that often go ignored or erased, a love letter telling them that they matter, that we want to hear their stories, that their stories are worth sharing.

As I work behind the scenes for the next several volumes I hope you know that your support on this project is priceless, and pre-ordering the first volume ensures that more stories get told.

You can find it available for pre-order on amazon. Physical copies will be available on June 3rd, release day.

Our society is packed with unspoken rules about how women and femmes are “supposed” to behave, look, and live. These rules can feel like chains that keep us from truly being ourselves or finding happiness. Let’s break down some of those norms:

Gender Roles: There’s this old script about what women and femmes are “allowed” to do—whether it’s how we dress, act, or express ourselves. Growing up, most of us were taught women should be nurturing, passive, or emotionally “soft,” or even purely decorative or submissive. But who gets to decide what’s “right”? These rigid roles can make us hide parts of ourselves, suppressing our true personalities just to fit in—or worse, make us feel guilty for wanting to break free.

Sexuality: Lots of cultures still carry shame around different sexual orientations and expressions. Queer folks, bisexual, asexual, or those who just don’t fit the “norm”—they often face judgments or assumptions that can push them into hiding or feeling ashamed of their desires. Loving who you love shouldn’t come with shame, but societal judgments often tell us otherwise. Also, just being sexual, sometimes we just want to be a hoe out in these streets. I personally am slut positive, but there is still so much stigma around being sex positive, offline, and combatting that sometimes feels like a burden too heavy to carry.

Body Image: We’re bombarded with beauty standards that are often impossible to meet. We’re constantly fed unrealistic beauty standards—thin, toned, “flawless” skin—that most of us don’t naturally have. These ideals can cause feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt. It’s heartbreaking how much energy we spend trying to meet impossible standards instead of loving and appreciating our bodies just as they are. Feeling we don’t measure up can crush our confidence and make us hate our own bodies—even though they’re perfect just as they are.

Relationships: Society often pushes the idea that love looks a certain way—monogamous, married, and with clear “rules.” But love is so much more diverse. There are so many ways to connect, to find joy, and to build meaningful bonds, yet many of us feel pressure to conform to a narrow idea of what a “normal” relationship should be. Have you heard of the escalator theory of relationships? If not, it’s this theory that there is room for two people on a stop, and once you get on, you get off at the top and it’s marriage and forever. I like to challenge that with the elevator theory, we can get on and off as we wish, and one or more people can fit on it with us for however long we want to be together.

So, how do these beliefs and expectations around gender, sexuality, bodies, and love hold us back from experiencing pleasure? This isn’t a question with a simple answer, and you don’t have to answer it here, but it’s something I want you to think about. One of the things I love most about reading is that it can open us up to experiences we may never have thought about. It can teach us things about ourselves.

How do cultural beliefs and expectations around gender, sexuality, body image, and relationships limit our ability to experience pleasure? For me it was this pressure that I had to be sexual with other people if I felt horny, like there was something wrong with me that I felt desire and lust but I didn't ever want to have sex with other people. Reading Kiss Me, Maybe by Gabriella Gamez was a game changer. Damn that book opened my eyes. So much of the Ace community on line has its doors closed to individuals that are sex favorable, that I didn't even know what that was until reading Kiss Me, Maybe. Seeing myself in Angela, and her working on accepting who she was opened my eyes to an experience that I have been having for years but didn't know it had a name. I truly thought it was linger religious trauma. But to know that it's a totally "normal" way of being, helped me to embrace that part of my sexuality and not hide from it.

Today is release day for Kiss Me, Maybe, and it's hands down one of the best contemporary romances I've read so far this year!

Let’s talk about something real—Pleasure as a Right. 

For way too long, feeling good and chasing joy has been stigmatized, shamed, or just straight-up denied, especially for many of us women and femmes. And I’m not just talking about sex—I'm talking about the core human need for joy, connection, and expressing who we are without guilt.

Here’s what’s on my mind this week

Societal Expectations: How do the things we’re told about gender, body image, and relationships hold us back from truly enjoying life? Spoiler: those rules are often more about control than our happiness. I want to talk about how these norms can make us feel guilty or ashamed for simply being. 

Trauma & Past Experiences: Stuff from the past can mess with our vibe and make it harder to find joy now. I want to explore how to heal those wounds and start reclaiming that sense of pleasure.

Access & Inequality: Joy isn’t the same for everyone. Systemic issues like race, class, disability, and more create real barriers that stop some of us from feeling fulfilled. Let’s shed light on that.

Reclaiming Pleasure: And yes—there are concrete ways to take back your joy. From setting boundaries to self-care and better communication, I’ll share tools to help you feel more in control of your happiness.

This week, we’re focusing on one thing that hits home for all of us—those deep-rooted societal beliefs around gender, sexuality, body image, and relationships. These beliefs can secretly keep us from really enjoying life the way we deserve.

Let’s break those chains and start feeling good—because pleasure is a right, not a privilege. And of course, I’ll be giving you some book recommendations to challenge all of this and help you think deeper. If you join us on the Wanderer tier you'll get access to all of this and the bookclub pick of the month that will encapsulate all these themes!